I Just Feel Like being Quiet Today

When your five-year-old is able to have this level of sense of self, you must feel like there is hope for society.

On Saturday Mira said to us, "Mum, Dad, I just feel like being quiet today," this may seem like a strange thing for a 5-year-old to be saying. After all, kids are noise-emitting monsters at that age, aren't they? Well yes, a lot of the time they are, but she did not mean it as simply as that.

Since the beginning (of her life) we have made an effort not to hide the realities of being human from her. Obviously, we shield her from things in an age-appropriate manner, but we try as much as possible not to 'baby' her whilst at the same time remembering that she is just five! So when it comes to expression of emotion, we are very very transparent with her, not only about how it is okay for her to feel what she is feeling but also that Mum and Dad go through different emotions in that way too.

This was something that has been influenced by my bipolar diagnosis as well. Ever since I was diagnosed, when she was just three years old, we wondered how we were going to explain this 'thing' to her. In my previous article "Sometimes We Get Emotional...So What?" I talked about how we are open about how sometimes we feel things despite not wanting to and against our logical will. If that can be true for us at the age of 35, imagine how overwhelming it must be for a five-year-old.

So our approach is always to tell her that it is okay to be herself. Having grown up in a time when being extroverted was glorified, we are trying to make sure that if she wants to be more introverted then that is okay. If what people describe as 'anti-social' behaviour is what she prefers, fuck 'em. It is okay to be that way. Society at large still promotes extroversion, linking it with 'standing out' thus helping you 'get ahead in life.' I say if 'ahead' means more work for a thankless employer, because you are dependable and efficient then be my guest and get as far ahead as you can.

Personality Fluidity

That is what we are trying to teach Mira. Not by any means to be lazy, but to be herself, whatever that may be and however, that may change from time to time. Yes, adults said that to us when we were growing up too, but I feel like it was too late by the time the message had gotten to us. People said it but did not reinforce that with their behaviours. The view when we were growing up was that you had to be dominantly one or the other. We are trying to introduce the concept of personality fluidity to her from the earliest developmental stages of her life. However, as is the case with all parenting, we do what we think is best at the time. We cannot say if in twenty years she will find herself in therapy trying to unlearn. It more than likely will happen as society evolves at this exponential rate.

Free Trait Theory

Most often if you were able to switch between introversion and extroverted behaviour situationally you were perceived as being 'fake' in one of the two behaviours. That your inherent personality is what you are and that cannot change. There are still some schools of psychology that prefer the 'personality is set in stone' mindset. I prefer to err on the side of Free Trait Theory which says that despite being born and influenced into a specific personality type in terms of introversion and extroversion, one can essentially change that trait under the right motivational factors.

It can be argued that at one's core one reverts to the initial personality trait, that the changed state is purely a facade. Free Trait Theory says otherwise, and from personal experience I can say that I agree with it (Free Trait Theory).

Defining introversion and extroversion

Stop!

Therein lies the problem. We are trying to give a discrete meaning to something that we as a society really cannot discretely quantify. However, like with all 'facts' and specialist theories, we each choose the version of the truth that is most correct for the time being and our individual interpretation of reality.

Personally, I have dispelled the understanding that I used to have. The one that I learned growing up and that is the one that comes up first if you Google the term 'Introversion.' I am not going to copy/paste it. Go google it. Same can be said for extroversion. I have chosen to adopt the interpretation that an introvert is someone who loses energy(mental, emotional and/or physical) in social interactions of a certain nature. That nature is not necessarily defined by the number of people involved but is more about the manner of interacting and the nature of the level of engagement. Both are defined by the individual's state of mind at the time. I believe that state of mind is an infinitely dynamic phenomenon. It may tend in a particular direction more often than not, but I believe that there always exists the possibility for it to be otherwise.

Extroversion would be the mirror image. An extrovert being a person whose energy level increases from social interactions of the relevant nature.

I think of myself as an inherent introvert, and I truly believe that I am, but the other day Leeanne asked me if that is the case, how am I able to engage with random strangers whose photos I ask to take and it makes me 'come alive.' I am so capable of social interaction that I am energised by it. I have two views on this.

1. Free Trait Theory is exists.

2. The nature of the interaction matched the nature of interaction that my mind found engaging at that time.

It was only one person, but the interaction was engaging. It felt meaningful and authentic. Had it been a conversation of the same number of people (ie. one) that was essentially shallow small talk, my energy level would have been so depleted that I would have wanted nothing more than to exit stage left. Not to mention that my brain would have flicked over to looking at the shadows and lights for possible photographs all around us rather than listening to the pointless banter.

I just feel like being quiet today

Let's take all this back to what Mira had said. What she said was a result of how we have chosen not only to influence her interpretation of the world but also how we are going to introduce the understanding of my bipolar to her, and of our emotional reactions to her. We want her to understand and be able to express when she feels a certain way and that it is okay. Also, there is nothing wrong in communicating it. There is no embarrassment or weakness in showing your humanity. Sometimes Mum gets sad, it makes her cry. Sometimes Dad gets sad, and he cries or just shows no emotion. Sometimes sounds hurt Dad's ears when he is hypersensitive. Sometimes Mira just feels like being quiet. Not for any specific reason, nor does she need to figure out why. That it is just okay to be that way. Sometimes Dad just wants to be quiet. Sometimes so does Mum. Sometime it is the same for friends at school, and sometimes they or we want to be loud and boisterous. It does not need to imply anything more than that, and we don't always have to dig for answers as to why, that are really and truly not there. Or maybe they are. Would the energy and time consumed tyring to figure them out really be worth it, or should we rather just experience the moment for what it is? I prefer the latter

They don't need to be, for us to understand and support each other.

Til next time,

Neo